CRM - you will be missed.

Ok, surgery over, all is well. No cancer in the cyst that was removed. Everything should be good now. I am weaning myself off pain pills. I haven't taken many in the last few days. It sucks that my abdomen is a body part that is used a lot with whatever movement I do.

My next big trick is to figure out what I want to do for work. I have gotten kind of a reprieve with employment assistance, but I need to put this time to good use and figure some things out. I have worked on some bullets for a resume, but they need to be fine-tuned. I have done some career interest worksheets which point me in the direction of something analytical, which makes sense.

I need to get my resume put together so that I can apply for some jobs once they do become available. And also, I need to continue to keep up on mortgages and work on my loans. So much to do, so little energy...

I have my appointment with the surgeon next week. I am calm about it for some reason. I suppose that's progress, right? Meanwhile, I am trying to focus on other things - trying to stop and enjoy the present, appreciate the things I have, value the people in my life. Breathe.

I am not ready to face my mortality. I want to continue to live in my reality which does not include aging, illness, or death. How can I accept what I know to be the eventual fate of everyone? I suppose that I imagine a moment in time far in the future in which I come to terms with death, possibly even embrace it. But what if the time comes before I am ready to accept its arrival?

I am being so morose, so self absorbed, as if I am the first person who must deal with some sort of illness or health issue. So many more have faced so much worse. Are these not the times that determine the mettle of which I am made?

I should take this as a reminder of what is important in life...after spending so much time being stressed about work, about things that in the end, do not matter. I am constantly challenged and constantly fail to appreciate the small things, to take time out to laugh. Instead, I am serious, intense, compulsive about insignificant things.

I don't believe in signs. I don't believe in fate, in God, in Karma... Sometimes, there is nothing to be learned.

And so, I will face this. I will find out what is wrong, what the steps are to remedy it and take them. I do not want to be cryptic. I am talking about the problems that I have had first with my gallbladder and now with my pancreas. The pancreatitis attack I suffered in Aug/Sept 08, caused a pseudocyst to appear on my pancreas and instead of shrinking and disappearing as my doctor anticipated, it is now enlarged. My appointment that was scheduled for 2 weeks out is now moved up to next week. I will try not to over think it and not to do too much research and make myself crazy.